As for my bad day, it was a result of Lee leaving which brought on about a million different emotions. I was mostly sad because though I know I am a strong, independent person I can't credit that all just to myself. Lee truly is my rock and keeps me grounded. And yesterday that kind of made me feel like an asshole. Here is me being so sad that he is leaving me when I have a giant army of support behind me. Friends, family, and even people I don't really know have absolutely came out of the woodworks to stand behind me on this. And what does he have for support? Yes, we have some great friends and some great people in our lives and I thank God for that. But the family support for him is just not there like it is for me. I'm sure I'm going to catch hell for publicly posting that to my blog but at this point I don't have it in me to give a damn any longer. I can't pretend that I'm not angry to spare their feelings when they rarely consider ours, especially in a time like this. I am SO GRATEFUL for Lee's bosses.. Don & Loretta have already been here to visit from 8 hours away. They treat Lee like their own son and it touches my heart more than they will ever know. I don't know what we would do without them. I can't imagine what it feels like to be Lee. I just hope he knows that he is the most wonderful man and I could never do this without him. I worry that he's being "too strong" sometimes because he always "let's things go" but I guess some just deal with things differently. And it's probably a good thing because yesterday I certainly had enough anger for the both of us.
Everything just made me sad or angry. I got coffee from Caribou and they messed up my order and I burst in to tears. That poor girl working probably felt like an asshole and I felt like an even bigger one. I stayed in Ever's room all day because I couldn't face people. Finally at about 2 I was starving so I went down to the cafe to get some carrot sticks for a snack and a salad to save to eat today--I was already preparing myself to never leave the room again to help me avoid people. Then of course when I'm down in the cafe I run in to a couple with their little boy who was clearly sick with cancer or something awful, wheeling him around in a bright red wagon. My heart shattered in to a million pieces and I cried some more, all the while telling myself I was being a jerk for crying when my life could obviously be SO MUCH worse. That night I forced myself to go to supper, which is provided in the Ronald McDonald house where I am staying and it's just around the corner inside the hospital from the ICC. As soon as I got in line to get my food, I felt the tears coming back. It was a confirmation group serving our food and the young girl dishing up the BBQ pork sandwiches at the head of the line was so kind, but she looked at me with those eyes.. The ones that are full of sympathy and kindness, the ones that made me remember I am here needing help from so many others. And of course I hate that. I rushed through the line and went and sat at a tiny table with only two chairs to stare out the window and cry in silence, hoping nobody would notice I was there. I felt people looking at me, as if they wanted to come say hello so I started playing on my phone so they wouldn't bother me. Not because I didn't want to talk to them, but because I knew if they did I would lose it. Then I went back to Ever's room, which is located at the end of the ICC. While walking down the long hall between all the rooms I thought about how between the NICU and ICC my baby was one of few that had parents there consistently. I understand by now many of those babies have been there for weeks and months, which could be the reason parents aren't there as they've had to go back to work and what not.. but it still breaks my heart every time I walk back in. Many of those rooms have a baby that I've never seen anybody but a nurse walk in to. It hurts my heart. So finally I let myself go back to Ever's room and have a good cry. I cried a majority of the evening and then at 8:30 after cares I was able to hold her for a good 2 hours, which was just what I needed. Finally around 11 I went back to my room and slept like a rock.
She even got a bow!
This morning I woke up with a new attitude. I have cried my fill, but I know now that I desperately needed to. I showered and made myself get dressed and even went to the kitchen to get a muffin, orange, and much needed cup of coffee for breakfast. My friend Erica (well, my sister now because we made it FB official) is on her way to stay the night with us. I'm so grateful for that and can't wait to see her! When I came in to see my little lady first thing this morning, I had a surprise once again (go figure.) Now, she hasn't gotten up and walked off on me YET but she DID get upgraded in to a big girl bed. I'm telling you guys, this girl is kicking ass and taking names. She's on a mission and so far she has let nothing stand in her way. I know I had mentioned this on FB but I don't think I posted here.. We found out when she was born that Ever's blood type is B+, which felt like a sign in itself. So we've chosen to use it as her motto: BE POSITIVE! Thanks again for all the prayers and support--very obviously THEY ARE WORKING! Until next time.. <3
1 comment:
beautiful!
liz from wws
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