"When you feel you're drowning in life's situations, remember: your life guard walks on water."

This morning I had another ultrasound. BBK2's amniotic fluid has gone up a tiny bit, which is some good news! That means we get to stay put until Friday's ultrasound at least. Unfortunately the amount of intestines outside the body keeps getting bigger and bigger by the appointment, but at this point we'll take it over needing to deliver so early. So far they look good and healthy, so that is also more good news. As long as they don't become inflamed or twisted, that shouldn't provide any real issues. The main concern with that is that now when we deliver, there is a good chance the baby won't be ready for surgery right away. What happens in these situations when the amount of intestines outside the body is too big to be put back in right away is they will create a small silo to "house" the intestines and will slowly feed them back in to the body a tiny bit each day until they can finally do surgery to close the hole back up. This, of course will push back recovery time but again--it's better to deal with that than preemie lungs at this point.

Today I am feeling better. Exhausted, but better. Who knew that something emotional could phsyically drain a person so much? This hanging out in limbo of the unknown from day to day has been sucking so much out of me. Lee has been so great about everything, letting me sleep in every day and making sure I follow my "rules of bed rest" as much as possible--though I'm not very good about obeying when it comes to that. Bed rest is for the birds, I tell ya. Nothing worse than having so much on your mind and then being instructed to lay in bed all day.

At first I kept asking myself why, but now I ask myself why not. I can do this. I have fears of the situation--but no doubts. That's good, right? I keep telling myself it's ok to be a little scared since I know in the end we'll knock this one out of the park and bring home a healthy, happy baby.

And I want to take a moment to thank all of you who are reading this and following our story. As I type these posts, I feel this baby and what we are going through consuming me. All your thoughts and prayers and kind words mean more than any of you will ever know and it pushes me to just keep on fighting. Many of you I have never even met and the support I have gotten has been above and beyond what I could have ever imagined. I would never be able to do this without such a great support system and for that I will forever be grateful for each and every one of you. Until next time.. <3


"When you feel you're drowning in life's situations, remember: your life guard walks on water."


I have not only a head in my ribs but a little foot as well, while the other foot is soundly on my bladder. I can't imagine that being very comfortable, perhaps I'm carrying a ballerina.. :)

We Acquire The Strength We Have Overcome

Well, here we are--back from our emergency Minneapolis trip. Originally we were sent because the hole in BBK2's abdomen had grown considerably in only a week's time. After having a level 2 ultrasound done, that proved to be true as well as the fact that there are indeed new loops of intestines outside the hole. However, that is no longer our biggest concern. The baby has become low on amniotic fluid. She sent me home today on the condition that I will need two ultrasounds a week and if the amniotic situation has not gotten any better by Tuesday's appointment, it's back to Minneapolis to proceed with immediate delivery. Realistically the LAST thing we want at this point is to deliver a baby in this condition 2 months early, so if it DOES get better I will continue with ultrasounds twice a week and then be expected to relocate to the Minneapolis February 22nd and proceed from there with delivery plans rather than waiting until the first week of March. Either way I was given permission to take Easton to Mickey On Ice tomorrow, otherwise it's bed rest for me. Really, bed rest? With a two year old? Please. Like that's even possible.

How much can one be expected to swallow in one week? I am about as emotionally drained as I've ever been, and the hard stuff hasn't even hit yet. All this day-to-day "unknown" is really doing a number on us. I could be having a much-too-early-gastroschisis-baby in 5 days, I could be having a baby in 3 weeks--and have to be "prepared" at a moment's notice for whatever comes at us. And then of course you have to factor in the drive to the cities and unknown length of time away from Easton. Part of me thinks I'd rather just have this baby and then fight, rather than trying to fight this battle where I feel like I am continually sinking in bad news no matter what I do. But here I am, reminding myself.. Ashleigh, you've got two choices. You can beat this with a negative attitude or you can beat this with a positive one. I choose to be positive. We're just going to roll with it. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy my "doctor ordered lazy snuggle time" with my little sunshine. Until next time.. <3

Anger Is A Wind That Blows Out The Lamp Of The Mind

Do you ever feel like when it rains, it pours? Like you're close to rock bottom and no matter what you do to pull yourself out, you wind up buried even further? I've never gotten knocked down and felt like I couldn't get back up to keep on fighting. But here I am.. feeling defeat creep up the back of my neck. And now is sure as hell not the time for THAT. I need my strength now more than ever.

Today we discovered that the growth of the hole in the baby's abodomen [up to this point since our trip to Minneapolis] has doubled from that in only a week's time. Today's ultrasound was faxed immediately to our specialists in Minneapolis and after they reviewed them we were instructed that we need to go to Minneapolis ASAP. We will have a phone call by 10 am tomorrow letting us when we need to be there.

So what do we have to expect? They will do another level 2 ultrasound to see just how big the hole/amount of intestines outside is, whether or not the intestines have grown inflamed or twisted, and the cause of such a rapid growth in the hole. Jan told me to go there prepared for anything.. including delivering a baby 2 months early.

So now here we are.. faced with not only gastroschisis but the possibility of delivering a preemie on top of it. When will it ever end? Further more, when will people stop telling me to "have faith" and "just believe"? I know they mean well but really.. that is the LAST thing anyone wants to hear from someone who has not a damn clue what you are going through. My faith is strong. This baby is going to be just fine, I will go to the ends of the earth to see to it. But now I am officially terrified and praying for some mercy in all of this. The risk of complications was great to begin with, and to face it with a premature baby makes it that much greater.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up, ready to fight.. but for tonight I just need to be angry and deflated. My faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear.. <3

Team Green!

If you haven't gotten your guess in, stop by and cast your vote! We chose to stay on team green once again, so it's always fun to imagine whether or not we will be getting another son or a daughter. Feel free to name the baby along with your guess, since your luck at this point would be just as good as ours. It appears this child will be BBK2 forever at the rate we're going.... Ha, let's hope not! :)



http://www.expectnet.com/games/BBKugler2

Faith That's Bigger Than Your Fear

Well here we are, rounding in to the home stretch of this pregnancy. All further appointments with Jan are scheduled and the end--which is really just the very beginning--is coming up on us FAST.

I'm a brave person, or I like to think so. A natural born fighter. I've faced big, scary things in my 26 years. I survived spinal meningitis as a small baby. I've lost people I love, witnessed death with my very own eyes. I beat a life of morbid obesity by pushing myself to lose 140 pounds. I've lost a baby. I've had a baby..the most beautiful, wonderful thing I've ever done with my life. Not much in this life scares me anymore. And then I think of this baby and what lies ahead of us and I'm reminded exactly of what fear tastes like. And I don't like it at all.

Today BBK2 weighs just under 3 pounds and is gaining weight rapidly. The hole in his/her abdomen has grown a little bit in the past weeks, as have the amount of intestines outside but at this point it's not enough to warrant concern or immediate delivery.

So here I sit, trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I will deliver a baby via c section that I will only see for a brief second. I will see a gaping hole and intestines. I'm ready for that. Right? I CAN do this. But.. is anyone ever really "ready" for something like that? I wouldn't imagine so. The baby and Lee will then be whisked off to surgery, while I wait in recovery. When I am feeling up to it (which will be almost immediate if I have anything to do with it), they will wheel me via tunnel to see the baby. And that's where it will all begin..

At this point my thought process doesn't go much further than that or I start to hyperventilate a little. What is ahead of us on top of knowing that I will be away from my Easton for God knows how long is enough to send anybody in to a slight anxiety attack.

BUT my faith is greater than my fear. Until next time.. <3

Gastroschisis.

The Reason For The Season

Christmas came and went in the Kugler house.. but this year it just felt a little different than years past. After all the tragedy that struck us and so many close to us in the month of November, we couldn't help but approach the holiday season with an entirely different outlook than other years. There was no stressing over gifts, no worry over cooking and cleaning and baking or who was getting what.. This year Christmas was about the importance of family and just being together and not sweating the small stuff. This December we: played a lot of board games. Baked cookies as a family. Spontaneously went to Bismarck for lunch just so Easton could ride the train in the mall and see Santa. Took time to call family and friends just to catch up. Got a babysitter to go on a date. Took Easton to Dickens. And counted our blessings.. over and over and over again.
Christmas Eve at Grandma Ruby's

Christmas Day at Nana Lisa's

One of our AMAZING Christmas gifts from Lee's bosses--a poster sized framed wall canvas of Easton


And here it is, the 7 month bump! I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over. We had another ultrasound on Tuesday and things are still looking great--the hole is still small which means the amount of intestines outside is still small. I will be seeing Jan weekly now for ultrasounds since it needs to be monitored closely. We are tentatively planning for delivery sometime between March 1st and March 5th provided everything continues to go well. We won't actually know a for sure set date until about 5 days before since we want to keep BBK2 in there as long as we can without going too much over that 37 week mark. I have been feeling great and though I know we have a long, crazy road ahead I feel more and more ready to face it as time goes on. Until next time.. <3

Keep Your Eye On The Prize

Now that I'm rolling in to the last leg of my pregnancy, it's time to start thinking about something that's very important to me.. Bikinis. Ok, maybe not bikinis exactly.. but pregnancy weight loss, rather. As many of you know I've had quite an extreme weight loss journey. After Easton was born, I lost 95 pounds in just over 9 months to hit goal for the first time (140 pound loss total, from my starting weight) and become a Weight Watcher's leader. Fortunately, I won't have to do THAT all over again. So far to date I've gained just a little over 10 pounds. I haven't thought too much about it or worried too much about it and then..... the new Victoria's Secret bikini catalog came. After 4 months of killing myself in the gym last year (to the point of throwing up from ab workouts--yes, they sucked THAT much!) I wore a bikini for the first time in my life. And I can't wait to do it all over again this year. It's hard to believe that exactly 6 years ago today I was a size 28W and here I am today, 6 months pregnant wearing 29 waist jeans with the help of a Bella band. No surgery. No pills, shakes, bars, or drops. Just straight up learning how to eat and hard work. Proof that anything is possible. Now if you'll excuse me, I think it's time to pick out the bikini I plan to wear, cut it out of the catalog, and tape it to my mirror to help me get through Christmas without going crazy on indulging. I WILL do this--one last time! Until next time.. <3


Before and after (minus 140 pounds)

The old me

The 5 months pregnant me