Do you ever feel like when it rains, it pours? Like you're close to rock bottom and no matter what you do to pull yourself out, you wind up buried even further? I've never gotten knocked down and felt like I couldn't get back up to keep on fighting. But here I am.. feeling defeat creep up the back of my neck. And now is sure as hell not the time for THAT. I need my strength now more than ever.
Today we discovered that the growth of the hole in the baby's abodomen [up to this point since our trip to Minneapolis] has doubled from that in only a week's time. Today's ultrasound was faxed immediately to our specialists in Minneapolis and after they reviewed them we were instructed that we need to go to Minneapolis ASAP. We will have a phone call by 10 am tomorrow letting us when we need to be there.
So what do we have to expect? They will do another level 2 ultrasound to see just how big the hole/amount of intestines outside is, whether or not the intestines have grown inflamed or twisted, and the cause of such a rapid growth in the hole. Jan told me to go there prepared for anything.. including delivering a baby 2 months early.
So now here we are.. faced with not only gastroschisis but the possibility of delivering a preemie on top of it. When will it ever end? Further more, when will people stop telling me to "have faith" and "just believe"? I know they mean well but really.. that is the LAST thing anyone wants to hear from someone who has not a damn clue what you are going through. My faith is strong. This baby is going to be just fine, I will go to the ends of the earth to see to it. But now I am officially terrified and praying for some mercy in all of this. The risk of complications was great to begin with, and to face it with a premature baby makes it that much greater.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up, ready to fight.. but for tonight I just need to be angry and deflated. My faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear.. <3
3 comments:
prayers are sent, Ashleigh!
Sending out as much love as I Have sweetie!! I will be thinking about you. Soplease update me when you can. I am leaving you my phone numbner so u can text me...feel free to delete comment if you arent comfortable with it being up. 317 702 1770 so text when you know anything please. I think I will be a nervous wreck for you tommorrow Jen <3
Thinking of you, Lee and Easton....sending prayers your way!!!
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