Faith That's Bigger Than Your Fear

Well here we are, rounding in to the home stretch of this pregnancy. All further appointments with Jan are scheduled and the end--which is really just the very beginning--is coming up on us FAST.

I'm a brave person, or I like to think so. A natural born fighter. I've faced big, scary things in my 26 years. I survived spinal meningitis as a small baby. I've lost people I love, witnessed death with my very own eyes. I beat a life of morbid obesity by pushing myself to lose 140 pounds. I've lost a baby. I've had a baby..the most beautiful, wonderful thing I've ever done with my life. Not much in this life scares me anymore. And then I think of this baby and what lies ahead of us and I'm reminded exactly of what fear tastes like. And I don't like it at all.

Today BBK2 weighs just under 3 pounds and is gaining weight rapidly. The hole in his/her abdomen has grown a little bit in the past weeks, as have the amount of intestines outside but at this point it's not enough to warrant concern or immediate delivery.

So here I sit, trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I will deliver a baby via c section that I will only see for a brief second. I will see a gaping hole and intestines. I'm ready for that. Right? I CAN do this. But.. is anyone ever really "ready" for something like that? I wouldn't imagine so. The baby and Lee will then be whisked off to surgery, while I wait in recovery. When I am feeling up to it (which will be almost immediate if I have anything to do with it), they will wheel me via tunnel to see the baby. And that's where it will all begin..

At this point my thought process doesn't go much further than that or I start to hyperventilate a little. What is ahead of us on top of knowing that I will be away from my Easton for God knows how long is enough to send anybody in to a slight anxiety attack.

BUT my faith is greater than my fear. Until next time.. <3

Gastroschisis.