Another Angry Blog

Generally when you have an ultrasound, the tech tells you very little. "This is your baby's profile, here's it's little foot, this is it's heartbeat.." and so on. The tech is never the one to tell you "Your baby doesn't have a foot," because they leave that up to the doctor. Well, when you have as many ultrasounds as I do you pick up on terms. You become familiar with numbers and what is kosher. Which is how I knew today that BBK2's amniotic fluid is the lowest it has ever been. So there I am, sitting in the lobby after my ultrasound knowing this information at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon while Jan is over delivering a baby. After 45 minutes of waiting I was starting to panick..Friday afternoon, the end of the day, serious circumstances, doctor in delivery. Yikes. Finally they brought me back, took my blood pressure, and were ready to send in her nurse when she came literally flying in the room still in scrubs and out of breath exclaiming that she promised me she'd see this through and so she got there as fast as she could. I love her. The amniotic fluid is just above cutoff level for delivery, so again we will stay put. Which is when I realized that one more appointment next week is the last I will see of Jan and then I am on my merry way to the cities for the duration of it all.

Now comes the anger. Tonight I feel like a ticking time bomb just ready to explode. In dealing with all of this I'm trying my best to learn how to deal with the responses of people as well. First there are the people who constantly text/call me even though I don't respond. I'm dealing with all of this the absolute best way I know how and sometimes that just means I can't talk about it or that I just don't feel up to talking period--about anything. Then there are the people who you hear almost nothing from at all. There are so many people who have gone above and beyond to reach out to us--some of them people we don't even personally know--and yet then there are members of our own family who show almost no support/concern at all. Thank God for my parents because I have absolutely no idea how we would ever get through this without them. Easton has been one of my biggest concerns and without them just dropping everything to take him in for an unknown amount of time, I have no idea what we would do. And then of course, you have the "always looking on the bright side" people. I am positive. I am optimistic. I am strong. But sometimes you just hit a point where there is absolutely nothing anyone can say, a point where every "look on the bright side" comment feels more like a cruel slap in the face than words of encouragement. And I know everyone means well, I really do. You can just only hear "It's going to be ok...." so many times before you want to put your fist right through a wall. I promise you all I DO know everything is going to be ok. This baby is my blood..he or she WILL be a fighter. And if he/she isn't strong enough to fight..I will do everything in my power to fight for him/her instead. So in the meantime, I will continue pushing forward with a clear, positive mind to the best to my ability. It's almost time to meet little BBK2 and that's when the real fight will begin. Until next time.. <3