Anger Is A Wind That Blows Out The Lamp Of The Mind

Do you ever feel like when it rains, it pours? Like you're close to rock bottom and no matter what you do to pull yourself out, you wind up buried even further? I've never gotten knocked down and felt like I couldn't get back up to keep on fighting. But here I am.. feeling defeat creep up the back of my neck. And now is sure as hell not the time for THAT. I need my strength now more than ever.

Today we discovered that the growth of the hole in the baby's abodomen [up to this point since our trip to Minneapolis] has doubled from that in only a week's time. Today's ultrasound was faxed immediately to our specialists in Minneapolis and after they reviewed them we were instructed that we need to go to Minneapolis ASAP. We will have a phone call by 10 am tomorrow letting us when we need to be there.

So what do we have to expect? They will do another level 2 ultrasound to see just how big the hole/amount of intestines outside is, whether or not the intestines have grown inflamed or twisted, and the cause of such a rapid growth in the hole. Jan told me to go there prepared for anything.. including delivering a baby 2 months early.

So now here we are.. faced with not only gastroschisis but the possibility of delivering a preemie on top of it. When will it ever end? Further more, when will people stop telling me to "have faith" and "just believe"? I know they mean well but really.. that is the LAST thing anyone wants to hear from someone who has not a damn clue what you are going through. My faith is strong. This baby is going to be just fine, I will go to the ends of the earth to see to it. But now I am officially terrified and praying for some mercy in all of this. The risk of complications was great to begin with, and to face it with a premature baby makes it that much greater.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up, ready to fight.. but for tonight I just need to be angry and deflated. My faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear, my faith is greater than my fear.. <3

Team Green!

If you haven't gotten your guess in, stop by and cast your vote! We chose to stay on team green once again, so it's always fun to imagine whether or not we will be getting another son or a daughter. Feel free to name the baby along with your guess, since your luck at this point would be just as good as ours. It appears this child will be BBK2 forever at the rate we're going.... Ha, let's hope not! :)



http://www.expectnet.com/games/BBKugler2

Faith That's Bigger Than Your Fear

Well here we are, rounding in to the home stretch of this pregnancy. All further appointments with Jan are scheduled and the end--which is really just the very beginning--is coming up on us FAST.

I'm a brave person, or I like to think so. A natural born fighter. I've faced big, scary things in my 26 years. I survived spinal meningitis as a small baby. I've lost people I love, witnessed death with my very own eyes. I beat a life of morbid obesity by pushing myself to lose 140 pounds. I've lost a baby. I've had a baby..the most beautiful, wonderful thing I've ever done with my life. Not much in this life scares me anymore. And then I think of this baby and what lies ahead of us and I'm reminded exactly of what fear tastes like. And I don't like it at all.

Today BBK2 weighs just under 3 pounds and is gaining weight rapidly. The hole in his/her abdomen has grown a little bit in the past weeks, as have the amount of intestines outside but at this point it's not enough to warrant concern or immediate delivery.

So here I sit, trying to prepare myself for what is to come. I will deliver a baby via c section that I will only see for a brief second. I will see a gaping hole and intestines. I'm ready for that. Right? I CAN do this. But.. is anyone ever really "ready" for something like that? I wouldn't imagine so. The baby and Lee will then be whisked off to surgery, while I wait in recovery. When I am feeling up to it (which will be almost immediate if I have anything to do with it), they will wheel me via tunnel to see the baby. And that's where it will all begin..

At this point my thought process doesn't go much further than that or I start to hyperventilate a little. What is ahead of us on top of knowing that I will be away from my Easton for God knows how long is enough to send anybody in to a slight anxiety attack.

BUT my faith is greater than my fear. Until next time.. <3

Gastroschisis.

The Reason For The Season

Christmas came and went in the Kugler house.. but this year it just felt a little different than years past. After all the tragedy that struck us and so many close to us in the month of November, we couldn't help but approach the holiday season with an entirely different outlook than other years. There was no stressing over gifts, no worry over cooking and cleaning and baking or who was getting what.. This year Christmas was about the importance of family and just being together and not sweating the small stuff. This December we: played a lot of board games. Baked cookies as a family. Spontaneously went to Bismarck for lunch just so Easton could ride the train in the mall and see Santa. Took time to call family and friends just to catch up. Got a babysitter to go on a date. Took Easton to Dickens. And counted our blessings.. over and over and over again.
Christmas Eve at Grandma Ruby's

Christmas Day at Nana Lisa's

One of our AMAZING Christmas gifts from Lee's bosses--a poster sized framed wall canvas of Easton


And here it is, the 7 month bump! I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over. We had another ultrasound on Tuesday and things are still looking great--the hole is still small which means the amount of intestines outside is still small. I will be seeing Jan weekly now for ultrasounds since it needs to be monitored closely. We are tentatively planning for delivery sometime between March 1st and March 5th provided everything continues to go well. We won't actually know a for sure set date until about 5 days before since we want to keep BBK2 in there as long as we can without going too much over that 37 week mark. I have been feeling great and though I know we have a long, crazy road ahead I feel more and more ready to face it as time goes on. Until next time.. <3

Keep Your Eye On The Prize

Now that I'm rolling in to the last leg of my pregnancy, it's time to start thinking about something that's very important to me.. Bikinis. Ok, maybe not bikinis exactly.. but pregnancy weight loss, rather. As many of you know I've had quite an extreme weight loss journey. After Easton was born, I lost 95 pounds in just over 9 months to hit goal for the first time (140 pound loss total, from my starting weight) and become a Weight Watcher's leader. Fortunately, I won't have to do THAT all over again. So far to date I've gained just a little over 10 pounds. I haven't thought too much about it or worried too much about it and then..... the new Victoria's Secret bikini catalog came. After 4 months of killing myself in the gym last year (to the point of throwing up from ab workouts--yes, they sucked THAT much!) I wore a bikini for the first time in my life. And I can't wait to do it all over again this year. It's hard to believe that exactly 6 years ago today I was a size 28W and here I am today, 6 months pregnant wearing 29 waist jeans with the help of a Bella band. No surgery. No pills, shakes, bars, or drops. Just straight up learning how to eat and hard work. Proof that anything is possible. Now if you'll excuse me, I think it's time to pick out the bikini I plan to wear, cut it out of the catalog, and tape it to my mirror to help me get through Christmas without going crazy on indulging. I WILL do this--one last time! Until next time.. <3


Before and after (minus 140 pounds)

The old me

The 5 months pregnant me

It's All Coming So Fast!

I saw Jan again on Tuesday. We will be doing the glucose test and another ultrasound in 3 weeks, then down to weeklies up until delivery after that. Where does the time go?! Second pregnancies go so much faster anyway, what with chasing the first one around all the time and all..not to mention I will automatically be losing 3 weeks with delivering at 37. Ready or not, we're going to do this--sooner than later!

In the mean time, we've been painting and getting everything done that needs to be done before we head off to the cities. After all the planning that goes with a new house, painting was the last thing I wanted to worry about when we first moved in. But I also didn't want to paint it ahead of time because it's hard to pick colors for a house until it's finished. I'm really glad we waited because the original colors I had imagined doing (before the house was done and before we moved in) are nowhere near what we ended up going with! Here is a little sneak peak of the house..

Our very own little piece of heaven..

Dining room--LOVE the color I picked here!

Little helper in the master bathroom

Our fire place--we've had this Christmas village stored away for years and never had anywhere to put it but it fits perfectly here!

Oh Baby! Our Story..

As many of you already know, we are expecting our second baby in March. With that have came many obstacles and new challenges for our family to face. I am not a good blogger, but have decided that until the time comes for me to start our Caring Bridge page, this may be the best possible way to get the info to all of our family and friends.

When we went to our 20 week ultrasound, we found out BBK2 has what is called gastroschisis. This is a hole that is located next to the umbilical cord in the baby's adomen and the baby's intestines are growing outside through the hole. Scary, right? Just a little. Jan started explaining, and my head was spinning. Somehow the only words I managed to digest were "hole", "intestines", "Minneapolis", and "fixable". Having been through a terrible month already (several deaths, one of which was a friend's 4 year old son), the one word that stuck in my brain fortunately was "fixable".

Last weekend we headed to Minneapolis to find out just what we had ahead of us. Though the news is still scary, we got more and more reassurance and good news with each doctor we saw. I will be delivering in Minneapolis at 37 weeks, which will be the very beginning of March. I told Lee it's a good thing I'm not shy--there will be somewhere between 15-20 doctors delivering this baby. From my doctor and his team, the baby's doctor and her team, my own nurses, respiratory specialists, you name it.. I feel like we are in great hands. The baby will then be taken immediately through the underground tunnel to the Children's Hospital where the pediatric surgeon will likely be peforming surgery to fix the hole within the same day. This isn't common, but our situation is looking so good that he assured us surgery will be able to happen almost immediately.

After surgery we will begin the long road to recovery. These babies have to "be taught" to eat, since it is sometimes weeks before they get actual milk/formula. Typically something like this will require anywhere from a 6 week minimum in the NICU on up to 12 weeks or more. It's quite a process to get the baby eating and digesting food properly. If our stay ends up being a very long one, they are able to eventually fly the baby back to Bismarck to finish NICU recovery there.

Once the baby is born we will have a Caring Bridge page where I can keep everybody updated on his/her progress and what is happening. Until then I will try and update on here, as we will have LOTS of doctor appointments and LOTS of ultrasounds, which is SO COOL (I thought having a 4D ultrasound was amazing but it didn't even compare to how incredible a level 2 u/s is, which is the highest u/s technology in the world at this point)! Until next time.. <3

BBK2 in 4D--look at those cute little butt cheeks!


BBK2's profile at almost 25 weeks, taken in Minneapolis 12/2.